personality split
January 08, 2006
it was horrible. it was a total horrible day. i shocked everyone. i shocked myself.
it was CCA orientation for the sec 1s yesterday. i shouted at stephanie. yes. i shouted at her. infront of the whole company. i guess i surprised everyone. especially all my friends. and myself too. i never knew i would shout at her. i never expect myself to shout at my close friends. but i did that.. it all started fine. we had to get those involved to practice for their performance. yes. i admit everything was all so slowly done. and maybe that's why stephanie got fed up and wanted to do her chicken stuffs. she walked away from the squat. and i told her to return. she argued back. and thats when i shouted. i said things i never thought i would say. and i guess no one think i would said those words. everyone went extremely quiet after that. everyone did their work quickly. and i broke down after that. frankly speaking, i was trembling when i shouted. those words came out from my mouth just like that. i didn't think at all. it just came out. people started asking me what happened. said i surprised them. and siti said if i'm crying cos of her, its not worth it. seriously, i don't know why i cried. i never wanted to shout. who wants to ? to think at the starting of the day, i told siti i wouldn't cry like her. she cried many times when she was the CL. this post.. this rank.. was never meant to give me. i dreamt of it when i was sec 1. but i did not want it when i received this rank. siti told me there will be alot of points. so what ? i cannot take up this challenge. i just don't have the ability... the stress.. i really cannot cope with it.
i realized i'm a changed person during guides. and i hate it. i hate being the CL. i hate people calling me that. i hate being the one to lead the company. i hate having to make decisions. i hate having so much responsibility. i hate it ! and i hate GUIDES ! YES. I HATE ALL OF IT. i want everything to change. its just the 8th day of 2006. where's all the being happy resolutions? am i having a personality split ? i couldn't cope with this. i hate it. i just hate this. someone, please strip all my ranks.....just please strip it....
no one realized...
