July 29, 2005
hi people.
BAD NEWS. im dreading guides . i don't want to face the whole company. i don't want to face the people. yes. today is a friday. is the day where i have guides once again. i USED to love guides alot. regardless of people scolding me and stuff. i just love guides so much. but now ? NOT ANYMORE. reasons? too much to list.
i hate guides. not that i really hate. but i guess i having a phobia of guides. hah ! i'm tired of being CL . this position.. seems simple.. but not a single bit simple. guides today was TOTALLY HORRIBLE ! i cried. yes. surprise ? no.... i can't control the company !!! i wonder why the fuck they chose me to be CL. i might be fierce.... but i DON'T HAB THE ABILITY. im depressed. i think i'm suffering from depression. people...
HELP !i can't be too fierce. the people will give me attitude. the sec1s talked back. the sec 3s gave attitude. the sec2s still fine from what i see. today.. during footdrills.. weihwan took the sec1s batch. and me and nisa took the sec3s and 2s . the horror starts here. it was really messy. call them to form squat.. they take a million years. in squat.. you are not suppose to talk and move arnd right ? they move.. i din sae anything. nisa complains and yet i still din do anything. i dont want to sae much. and they went too far. i over estimated my patience. yes. i can allow them to slack a bit. but you guys move so much !!! you guys talk. so not serious. the squat looks like SHIT ! and so... i shouted. " can move huh ? " . this girl... gave me this face. scolded me some vulgarities. okay.... i din say anything. i tolerate it. after that.. we split the squat. she was in my squat. and she just walked away and joined another squat. okay. im fine with it ! i tolerate. and then later she came back and did all those funny things when marching. obviously.. she's trying to agitate me. i shut my mouth. i told weihwan to take the squat. i need to calm down.
miss ong says the company looks messy . sae i'm too soft. it's not that i'm soft. it's just that i totally give up trying. the sec1s even talked back to me. and you know what ? i feel like scolding them "
fuck you . just fuck off ! " YES ! THOSE WORDS ! i felt like a fool. shouting at there and people just don't listen. how the fucking hell siti do it ? i'm feeling so frustrated. my bunch of friends aren't helping. weihwan AIN'T HELPING OUT AT ALL !! she's always doing the easy stuffs. and i'll always be taking the difficult stuffs. she will always be the nice one... the one who should be CL. and me ? i will always be the bitch.. the girl who always shout.. the girl who shouldnt be the CL at all... !!! i know what other thinks. i know exactly what people are thinkin.
you guys think i love this rank ? i never wanted this rank. i never wanted this rank ! this rank give me troubles and problems. i never wants to shout at you guys ! i can't stand weihwan. she's always being the good guy and i'm always the bad guy. !!! people loves her. and peoples hate me. how bad can this be ? SOOOOOOO BAD ! i'm going to break down soon. i hate weihwan. i hate guides. i hate everyone. i hate this rank. i hate it !!!!!!
LIFES JUST SUCKS . I MISS THE OLD TIMES.
guides simply just sucks...
